with a smile

It's well known that, just like a "Spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down," tough and unpleasant messages are easier to handle with a smile. So that's why I'm presenting to you Jackie Mason's Insult Law.

Live From New York
Insult Law
By Jackie Mason & Raoul Felder
Published 2/14/2006 12:08:58 AM

The Muslims have pronounced their verdict. The cartoon man has been found guilty. The real crime is, of course, not being a Muslim. Now that they have established the crime, they have also pronounced the sentence.

Even if you never saw or heard of the cartoon, you deserve to be hit with rocks, your car wrecked, and your embassies destroyed because you are an infidel -- and incidentally, there are no appeals. There was even television coverage of a Muslim religious leader screaming in some unintelligible language. However, on the bottom of the screen the translation appeared. This religious leader was shouting that whoever drew the cartoon should have his hands cut off. This hardly seems for us to be a reasonable penalty for somebody taking a piece of paper, picking up a pen, and drawing something.

Could you picture a Jew doing something like this? Ironically, the cartoonists were not even condemning Islam, they were merely creating a satire of a terrorist. They weren't insulting their religion, they were satirizing a fanatic. But, the Muslims have decided that there are no laws, limits, or boundaries that apply to their behavior. They not only have the right to take your life, they now have the right to rob you of your freedom of expression. Could you picture a Jew killing anybody for such meaningless reasons? If a Jew gets mad he might sneak into your house and steal your lipitor or he would make a deal with your doctor to lie about your cholesterol number, or just when you have fasted a whole day on Yom Kippur when you finally could eat you would find that he snuck into your house and stole all your pastrami sandwiches. I never saw a Jew going into meaningless fights. That is why you seldom see Jewish football players. A Jew is not going to take a chance in spraining his neck or tearing a ligament in his knee or wrinkling his clothes just because he was fighting with somebody about catching a ball. He would rather go to a store and buy another ball and avoid the whole problem. That is why there are also no Jewish hockey players. Hockey players spend all their time hitting each other in the mouth with sticks. When Jews saw how Gentiles played hockey that is how Jews found out that instead of becoming a hockey player they would become dentists, and that way they decided to let other people play the game while they found a way to make a profit from it.

Jews are never known to get into unnecessary physical battles. That is why people are never afraid of being attacked by a Jew. Did you ever hear anybody say, "Don't go into that neighborhood it is very dangerous, there are a lot of Jews there?" Jews have for so long been accustomed to being threatened and persecuted all over the world that they could never dream of creating needless violence anywhere because they would be grateful to even find a place where they are allowed to live in peace. Jews could never dream of threatening innocent people with inexcusable violence. Meanwhile the rest of the world is reacting to the Muslims with an amazing cowardice. Instead of a collective fury, we are pleading for forgiveness, and promising not to offend them with any more cartoons. Could anything be more perverted? The same people who are not offended by suicide bombers and terrorist killings, murder, mayhem, and destruction around the world have now decided that a cartoon... "OY VEY IS THIS TERRIBLE!"

Everyday Muslim and European newspapers insult and degrade Jews as animals and rodents, which is not only insulting but, additionally, encourages the hatred of Jews. But did you ever hear any Jewish authority anywhere demanding that we find any of these cartoonists so that we can choke them to death or cut them up. Did you ever hear of an Israeli death squad searching for a cartoonist? If the Jewish people applied the same insult standard requiring a death sentence no Muslim would be safe now, anywhere in the world. Could you picture a Jew deciding that he has the right to kill but you have no right to draw an insulting picture? Nobody has ever died from a cartoon. If the worst thing the Nazis ever did had been to draw cartoons of death camps instead of putting Jews in them, six million Jews would be alive today. When was the last time any country decided to kill a Muslim anywhere in the world because they felt insulted? But the Muslims have created a new international law called the "insult law." This means they have the right to kill you whenever they please, and you have no right to do anything about it. If a Muslim were walking down a street in Israel with a picture of an insulting cartoon in hand, no Israeli would threaten his life. They would be too busy celebrating the fact that it was a cartoon and not a bomb.

Jackie Mason is a comedian. Raoul Felder is an attorney.